But it could be anybody's story.
SOUTH AFRICA’S SHAME – ABUSE AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN
Did you know that only ONE out of SEVEN women will
successfully escape from an abusive marriage or relationship and continue to
live out her life? The rest will either
die by the hand of their abuser, or live out the rest of their lives in abject
poverty and misery. The ONE out of SEVEN will probably never have a completely
normal and fruitful life, they may never thrive, but they will survive and they
will be grateful to be free. To be free,
alive and still breathing.
The question we need to ask ourselves is WHY these
statistics of successfully free women are so very low. And I think I may have some of the answers,
if you will bear with me for a time here.
The number one reason that abusive relationships continue in
relative obscurity, in other words, you and I will never know the extent of the
abuse, is SHAME. The person being abused
is ashamed that they have allowed this tragic onslaught to start, to continue,
to snow-ball, and become part of what is now their daily norm. They are self-shaming (ie, I am worthless),
they are shamed by the abuser (ie, you are worthless), and they are shamed by
their friends, the public, and their own family (ie, she must be worthless if
she stays). Psychology 101 people – even
YOU will start believing this if you live with it for long enough. SHAME immobilises you.
The number two reason that a victim gets trapped by an
abuser, is that the abuser is typically a charmer. The public persona is a wondrous thing to
behold. Loving, giving, understanding,
loyal, and most often expressing their complete despair at trying to love and
support a ‘difficult’ person. Yeah. Heard that much?So the number two reason we now face, is that all outside support is withdrawn from the victim. People are drawn into the abuser’s lies and lose faith in the abused. We have effectively created Isolation.
When you are ISOLATED, you have no WITNESS to your life. And then you feel that you have no
value. You have nothing.
Some say that emotional abuse is worse than Physical Abuse. I cannot disagree more strongly. Emotional Abuse is bad. For sure.
It’s abuse you cannot see with your physical eye. It lives in the spirit of the person it is
destroying. However, Physical Abuse will
NEVER happen without going hand in hand with Emotional Abuse. You hear what I’m saying? Physical Abuse (those bruises “that will
heal”) always comes to the party with Emotional Abuse. They play together. And so Physical Abuse has a partner in crime,
and it becomes a double edged sword, doing far more damage than Emotional Abuse
on its own. And it’s more
dangerous. Because it kills. And it is killing our women and children.
Whenever I hear “why doesn’t she just move out” I
cringe. Most of the time it is said so
flippantly. So casually. So easily.
So let me tell you why she doesn’t “just move out”. If it has been long term abuse, the victim
has no strength left inside their bodies and their souls. The spirit is crushed. Look into their eyes. You will see no signs of life. Living in fear takes its toll and breaks
people who were once smart and strong.
Abuse escalates.
Sometimes at an alarming pace.
But always, always it will escalate.
The number three reason is one simply does not “just move
out” from an abusive home. One does not
have the luxury of packing up what little you may own, saving (what??) for your
own apartment, and planning the next stage of your life. You are naïve if you believe this. The abused person is not in a place of
safety. The abused person is isolated,
and in extreme and imminent danger.
You do not sleep at night.
When you do, you sleep with one eye open. You fight to stay alive long enough to take
flight on a day that you have chosen.
You hide your car keys, you hide your valuables, you hide your ID book, your
passport, you hide your phone. You don’t
tell anyone what you have planned. You
have very few people you can trust.
Because very few people believe in you these days.
And then, if you are potentially part of the ONE IN SEVEN, and
you have not lost your resolve, on your carefully chosen day, you take your
life in your hands and you run. With
less than nothing, you run.
And you try to start over.
And it’s hard. Financially,
physically, emotionally – it’s just so damn hard. And that is why the ONE IN
SEVEN club is as small as it is. Because
it take every ounce of strength you have left to overcome an abusive
relationship and resurrect a life that you probably can’t even remember you
had. With no money. No possessions. Likely no job. And even more likely, no friends. You have lost everything over the years. You are lucky you still believe in your own
sanity, because the world you lived in for so long almost convinced you that
you were a crazy person, lower than the dust of the earth.
And so the number four reason is fear. An abused person doesn’t know if they will
make it alone in the world again.
And last but certainly not least, the hardest truth to face
is that you were never loved. I cannot
say it any other way. You were never loved there, and you will never be loved
there. You loved in vain. Most survivors
say that this is by far the toughest hurdle of the whole victim/abuser
mentality and lifestyle. To say and
accept “I was never loved”. It doesn’t
make you foolish, dear heart. It doesn’t
make you weak. It makes you human. Embrace it. And move on.
The person you are leaving behind is probably a Psychopath,
or a Narcissist, or the very worst combination having traits of both these
personalities. The person you loved
never existed. If you can wrap your head
around this truth, you will be one step ahead in your recovery.
I am a ONE IN SEVEN.
If you know someone who should be a ONE IN SEVEN, please reach out and
help them. If you want to be a ONE IN
SEVEN, lose the shame, talk to someone, without help you will not make it out
there on your own.
Remember, just because the world cannot comprehend the
reality of this, does not make it fantasy. Real men, stand up for the women in
this country please. We need you.
Successfully living free,
I am…
ONE IN SEVEN“Please don’t make any sudden moves, you don’t know the extent of the abuse”
